


The Best In Life

by imyourplusone



Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: F/M, Post 4.08, holiday fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-03 08:17:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8704768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imyourplusone/pseuds/imyourplusone
Summary: "It was later after his departure, as she recalled how Agnes fell asleep in his arms, that she feels herself smiling just as she did earlier watching them together. The first real smile in days and days, and it is then she realizes she never once thought about who wasn't in the room."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TravelingSong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TravelingSong/gifts).



> A hiatus holiday fic inspired by that lovely moment in 4.08 when Lizzy hands Red the baby and their hands do that little brush pass. Please, like they're fooling anyone. 
> 
> So post 4.08 and ignoring Red’s drug-induced answer. Ignoring many things except Red, Lizzy and Agnes, as it should be.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

He doesn't ask and she doesn't say. Where once there were three in the hidden safehouse nursery, there are now two. Those in charge of security would know at what moment the final exit occurred but he refuses to bring up the subject, deciding instead not to push this time or hold on too tight. That's what made her run in the first place and never again does he want her to believe that is her only option.

Is it his imagination or is there a lightness in the air now as if the pressure has suddenly been released and he can finally draw in a full breath? Is it only wishful thinking that her shoulders seem a little straighter like the weight pressing down has been removed?

He watches her without watching her those first few visits. Sees the restless energy that has taken over as she rearranges the small nursery then arranges it back again. Lets her place the baby in his arms and concentrates on the little girl as her mother paces just out of his view. But there is a determination in her now as he listens to those measured steps and he can't help but hope...

On one of these first visits as he is walking out the door she offers the only hint. "I'll be staying a little longer if that is alright," she says, not quite meeting his eye.

"Of course, Lizzy, stay as long as you and Agnes need."

She says no more as she finally meets his eye and with a smile softly shuts the door as he leaves.

However, the unspoken words between them remain there just out of reach as he plays along. Lets her lead the way this time and waits.

* * *

She knows he knows. He knows this time it is a permanent separation or perhaps he only hopes, but either way he never gives a hint. Simply accepts it as a matter of course and never goes near the subject. She almost wishes he would. It would certainly make it easier on her but this is what she wanted, she supposes. Some measure of control in her out of control life and in the end is thankful those first days that she is spared having to speak the words beyond asking to stay in this safehouse a while longer.

He visits them every few days but never to bring her information for the task force. This is not the place for the ugliness of the outside world now that Agnes has been returned to her. That remains out in the darkness just beyond the door. She thinks of that sometimes when returning to this empty warehouse with the strange room built in the center. The dark emptiness that echoes through her as she makes her way toward the center until finally the door opens to the light filling this room he created. Not for her, she thinks as a lump rises in her throat, but the little girl in her arms that he swore to protect to the last. And so he did.

It's hard to pinpoint when she really knew it was time to stop holding on to something that was never real in the first place. Holding it so closely she couldn't even see it for what it was. Not a fantasy but a mirage that would always be just out of reach as she chased it down a road she should have turned back from long ago.

There are sleepless nights those first weeks wondering what it was that brought this newfound clarity. The struggle is not the separation which comes surprisingly easy, but it is her change in feeling that perplexes her. If those feelings were real why then was it so easy to say goodbye and why now? It's more than having her daughter returned to her although that is so much a part of it. Wanting to do right by this little girl who was put in harm's way because of choices she made, and now with Agnes home again the decisions for their future weigh heavily on her.

Until one night the answer comes to her as sleep is far away again, and she stands by the crib and watches her baby. It was here that she turned to see him after he traded his life for hers. She recalls how her mind was racing as she rocked Agnes, thinking of the deserted warehouse where she arrived too late. No trace of him except the fedora discarded on the ground. _I'll come for you,_ but she couldn't save him.

She never heard the door open or his entrance into the room, simply turned to find him watching her and his smile at her surprised _Oh my god._ Never could she have imagined the relief as the fear that had surrounded her vanished in an instant. Her hug was met with a formality and she can hardly blame him but it didn't matter as she needed to make sure it was real. That he was real and had come back to her.

When she placed the baby in his arms and her hand brushed across his own she wanted so badly to leave it there but didn't allow herself time to dwell on this unexpected reaction. It was later after his departure, as she recalled how Agnes fell asleep in his arms, that she feels herself smiling just as she did earlier watching them together. The first real smile in days and days, and it is then she realizes she never once thought about who wasn't in the room. In the end it is as simple as that. The feeling of a family or a home she has been searching for didn't come until he returned from certain death and suddenly her life became something very different than what she thought it would be.

Now as she thinks back to that moment she knows with certainty that is when the axis shifted. This seems the only answer she has just now, but it is a relief to release the burden she has carried and she wonders how she survived under the weight of it. The anger and doubt no longer plague her. For the first time in a long time she lets all the uncertainty go and focuses on her baby and the man coming to take them to breakfast in a few hours.

* * *

It is that morning he sees the change in her. Something beyond the determination to just get through it that he has sensed for weeks now. The restlessness has left her and a calmness seems to have taken its place. He can't quite put his finger on it as he hands over his coat and fedora. Lizzy gives no indication that any change has occurred as she ushers him in, telling him to keep Agnes company as she finishes getting ready. He wants to say something, anything to her. To offer some sort of comfort but he stops himself once again and watches as she walks into the other room, and with a shake of his head turns the other way.

The baby is in her swing and he pulls a chair close as she reaches out a hand toward him. She always greets him with a smile now and he sneaks in a few funny faces since they are alone. This causes her to giggle and he can't help but laugh at the pair of them when he hears a soft _Raymond_ from over his shoulder.

She had entered the room to find him trying to make Agnes giggle and sat on the little bench seat to watch them for a minute before calling out to him. His given name still sounds a bit foreign to her but she refuses to return to the coldness of _Reddington_. She finds herself wanting an easier familiarity between them, but so much still remains unsaid that it feels like a barrier they can't quite cross.

When he joins her they watch the baby happy in her own world and both smile at the little girl. How is it possible she could bring so much happiness, so much healing after all they've been through? But she does, and it is something that doesn't go unnoticed by the two that watch her now.

"You know why I asked to stay, don't you?" she asks quietly.

He is still looking toward Agnes and several seconds go by before he replies, "I do."

"I…"

She trails off not even sure what she intended to say.

He turns then and reaches out to take her hand. "You can talk about it or not, Elizabeth."

"Well, I'm not sure if there's really anything to say but maybe someday. For now I'm just happy I'm here with Agnes. We're safe here and I've needed that after everything…"

The emotion stops her and she feels him squeeze her hand as his thumb strokes back and forth. He doesn't push her past this first small step but his presence is enough for her. Some permanence that she can hold to and she squeezes his hand in return.

* * *

It's easier after that. Lizzy feels herself at least moving forward, and there is not much time to dwell on the past as her focus is on Agnes and a return to normalcy at work. A chance to put right those relationships that were damaged by a decision made in haste. Such things take time but she senses they will get there in the end.

And then there is Raymond.

They still meet to discuss their latest cases and he still visits the safehouse nursery as a….as a friend, she supposes. She once called him that without really believing it. Now, finally, she knows what that means and how important it is to her.

As the weeks pass she finds herself looking forward to these visits. Makes sure the invitation is always made or calls Dembe and tells him to tell Raymond. She knows why she is fighting so hard to keep the connection. It is simple really. She is the reason it is so frayed and finds herself holding onto it to keep it from breaking. Whatever this connection is now, there is a careful avoidance of putting a name to it or defining it but she's determined not to lose it again.

He's coming to take her and Agnes to dinner and the little nursery suddenly seems a bit claustrophobic which happens sometimes especially when the baby is fussy. When Red walks in a while later he finds all the lights up in the warehouse and Liz lounging in a chair outside the entrance to the inner room.

"What's this then?" he asks just as Baz pushing the stroller comes from around the corner, passes behind him nodding hello, then proceeds on his circuitous route around the warehouse.

When he turns back Lizzy is laughing at his expression and explains, "She's in a mood today and this is the only thing that has helped."

"Ah I see," he says with a smile, coming to sit by her. Dembe pulls up a chair and the three catch up as Baz and Agnes stroll by.

"Lizzy, you feel like being the next leg on the relay?" he asks as he stands, extending a hand to her. "Let's take a turn about the room."

She smiles and feels a little flutter in her stomach as she takes the hand offered to her. Funny how these little moments happen now and then but there is no time to think as she says, "Okay, but the handoff is important. If she stops moving, you will get an earful."

"We can do this, you and I."

And she's laughing as he repeats her words from long ago and thinks this too is a battle. The switch is made with success and Raymond pushes the sleeping baby as Liz instinctively links her arm with his.

They don't go to dinner that night as he takes them for a drive instead and they eat take-out in the car so Agnes won't be disturbed. When Raymond carries the baby in later depositing her in the crib, Lizzy feels that flutter again seeing them together and is amazed that he can make hard days become really good days.

* * *

As the weeks pass, he sometimes thinks about broaching the subject of Lizzy returning to her apartment. Knows that the cramped space of the safehouse nursery is grating on her but he has been determined to let her bring it up. Besides, if it is the one place she feels safe with Agnes, how can he say anything when that means the world to him.

So he remains silent and waits but as late fall arrives she brings the subject up. They are having dinner at his safehouse since there is more room and she finally admits it is time to look for a new apartment.

"But Lizzy, you have an apartment. It is still there waiting for you and Agnes."

She is already shaking her head before he finishes the thought. "No, we will not live there. That apartment was supposed to be a new beginning for me and it was anything but. It feels like a failure and honestly I'd love to never set foot in it again."

The words tumble out and it is the closest she has come to talking to him about the subject they don't speak of. The pain is evident on her face. He sees it now, how it is still there brimming under the surface.

"You don't have to go back ever again. If you want a fresh start it's understandable, but there is no failure in what happened. Sometimes it's simply life."

There is no response as she takes in a steadying breath and he continues, "Why don't you let me find you a few options. You have little enough time as it is. We can take a day to look and hopefully one will work."

"I don't want you to buy me an apartment."

His mouth draws into a thin line and she instantly regrets the words. They came out much too harshly and that hadn't been her intention.

"As it happens I'm not offering to buy you an apartment. I'm offering to find you some viable rental options since you are busy with work and with Agnes. I'm not here to control your life, Lizzy, I'm here as a friend. It is okay to let someone help you."

His words cut right through her as she watches him turn to refill their wine glasses and he avoids looking at her. She can't blame him. They still have the power to hurt one another, perhaps, she thinks, because their words mean more than all others.

She reaches across to place her hand on his forearm steadying his nervous energy as she says, "Raymond, I'm sorry. I feel very out of control right now and I just reacted. You _are_ my friend and I'd welcome the help."

The tension leaves in an instant and Lizzy is grateful for it. There has been enough hurt between them to last a lifetime and right then she realizes the truth in their words. There is a friendship now and she can't explain the bittersweet feeling that brings. Why it doesn't feel complete somehow.

* * *

Raymond looks at many apartments over the next week, more than he will ever admit to. Some are rejected because of the distance to the post office and he wants Lizzy to have time in the evenings with Agnes. Some are rejected because of security concerns. Some because he simply can't picture Lizzy and the baby there.

Finally he has five good options to show her and the next Saturday they set out. Lizzy leaves Agnes with the woman she has found to keep her during the week since it is a cold day. There is no need to look past the third apartment, however, as she knows this is the one as soon as they walk in. The building is not too large but it is secure and she feels a sense of peace as she looks through the two bedrooms with a view of a park nearby. She imagines cozy evenings at home as she runs her hand over the mantle above the fireplace.

Lizzy turns to see Raymond smiling at her and she knows it is his favorite as well. Within days the lease is signed and that afternoon she purchases new furniture, just enough to get started since she wants nothing from her previous home.

Raymond takes care of the rest and she lets him. Because he wants to be a part of this new beginning and because he asked her to let him do this for her. So her personal belongings are packed and moved and what remains is donated. As simple as that, that part of her life is over.

He is waiting in the car with Dembe and Agnes to drive them to their new home but Lizzy had suddenly wanted to check one more time that she hadn't forgotten anything. Of course he told her he would bring anything left behind but she was insistent as she walked back into the warehouse.

After several minutes he decides to check on her and finds her standing in the middle of the room and she jumps a little as he comes up, putting an arm around her shoulder.

"You alright?"

A nod is his only answer as she looks at the space where the crib used to be. She had asked that the nursery furniture go with them so not much remains in the little room.

He rubs her arm as he waits for her to speak and finally he hears her say softly, "You built this for Agnes after I…."

"Elizabeth, don't-"

"No, let me say it," she interrupts her voice stronger now. "I never really thanked you for all of this. For finding us and keeping your promises to me even after I hurt you so deeply. You'll never know how sorry I am but also how grateful."

Her words reach somewhere deep inside him to a place that still aches from the loss he felt and the grief he experienced. A place he rarely visits these days, but he finds that forgiveness is possible and like her he is ready to move forward and let the rest go.

"I do know and having you and Agnes here where you felt safe is all that matters, but it's time for that new beginning." he says giving her shoulder a squeeze.

"You mean the second new beginning right?"

There is a little catch in her voice, but he thinks she's ready. He leans in giving her a kiss on her temple and whispers into her hair, "As many as it takes. I'm ready if you are."

She finally turns to look at him. Sees the smile that reaches his eyes and the kindness behind them. How quickly things can change, she thinks. Never could she have imagined she would be leaving this room for the final time with Raymond, yet now there is no one she'd rather have at her side.

And suddenly she can't wait for that second new beginning and senses they have both moved past….something. She feels that barrier fall almost as if it were a tangible thing and is thankful it can remain here in her old life.

Once again it comes naturally to her to link an arm through his as she replies, "I'm ready."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the comments and kudos.
> 
> Also thanks to TravelingSong as always. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Lizzy hasn't been to the apartment since the day she signed the lease. Raymond took delivery of the furniture she purchased and had her belongings moved from her old apartment so there really hasn't been a need. She can't help but feel guilty and a little cowardly for not dealing with the old apartment but that part of her life is over and she has no desire to visit it again. It's okay to let others help, she tells herself, and now she feels nothing but excitement as they make their way to her new home.

When they arrive, Lizzy is the first through the door and immediately her eyes fall upon an enormous Christmas tree in the corner by the fireplace. It is beautifully but simply decorated in silver and blue and it's perfect. She hasn't had a tree in….well, years now and honestly she hasn't given the holidays much thought.

She makes her way to it and leans in to smell the fresh pine and touch the lovely decorations. When she turns to see Raymond holding her daughter, she knows this is what he wanted for them. To be settled in a new home for Agnes' first Christmas.

"Oh Raymond, it's beautiful. Thank you," she says and can't keep the emotion from her voice.

She can see he's touched by her response and replies softly, "You're welcome. I think a first Christmas deserves a big tree."

He comes to stand by her and she wraps an arm around his waist as he shows Agnes the decorations, and once again she has the same sensation as the day he came back to her after the deal he made with Kirk. Like she has finally come home.

The rest of the day is spent getting settled. Mainly putting the nursery in order to keep the baby on her schedule. There are boxes everywhere and the apartment is in chaos but Lizzy never gives it a thought. As afternoon turns to evening they eat takeout picnic style under the twinkle lights.

"Raymond, look at her," Lizzy says a little later as she is holding Agnes in her lap while the baby reaches toward the tree. "We're going to have to come up with a plan next year because she'll be walking and causing all kinds of trouble. She'd like to be climbing that tree right now. Or perhaps we could go away for Christmas…"

She looks up to see a curious expression cross his face. One of….pain almost before he smiles and responds as if nothing is wrong.

"Lizzy, that girl is going to bypass crawling all together and go straight to running a marathon."

Whatever it was that troubled him doesn't return and Lizzy wonders if she imagined it. Wonders what exactly brought it about when finally it comes to her. Later as she is putting the baby down and Raymond has gone home she thinks about her words. How they would need to make plans next year to deal with a toddler and a giant tree or the idea of a holiday trip. Like they were a couple and Agnes was their….

It had come so naturally to her to think of them together as a family.

A real family.

Needing some fresh air and to catch her breath, she steps out onto the small terrace and draws the cold night air into her lungs as the realization hits her. She can see it so clearly in her mind almost like it is a memory. She, Raymond and Agnes together. All of the firsts that will come. The first snow, this first holiday, the first walk in the park when spring arrives and on and on. He is there with them, but more than that he is with her. It makes no sense in her mind that he shouldn't be a part of it because….she wants him there.

Even taking Agnes out of the equation she wants him here in her life. Except now the three of them seem to be the only way the equation makes any sense.

_How in the world?_

Lizzy whispers it to the night but no answer comes to her. The only certainty is this feeling is too deeply rooted to merely be a passing fancy. There is a permanence to it and she realizes it has been there for a long time but she didn't recognize it or perhaps she was scared to face it.

She closes her eyes to the night as moment after moment flash through her mind. The feel of his hand at the small of her back or held in her own. How she stopped him from leaving time after time. The fear when his life was in danger. How they needed each other when they were running. The nights she wanted to go to him when sleep eluded her or the fear closed in but something always stopped her. How she had simply wanted his closeness in order to sleep but deep down she knew it would have led to something…..more.

Oh, how that _something_ _more_ has scared her for so long now that it was easier to push him away.

Recalling the pain that flashed across his features, she is unable to interpret it. What is going on in that mind of his because she's almost convinced he has the exact same vision of a future with her.

But hell if she knows how she's going to get him to talk to her about it.

_Dammit,_ she whispers to the night but the night remains silent.

* * *

Across town in his latest safe house, Red drinks a scotch and then another and wonders not for the first time how in the world he could be such a damn fool.

To hear Lizzy speak of them together a year from now with Agnes for her second Christmas and the image that conjured. That they would make plans together when he rarely makes plans more than a week in advance with the uncertainty that surrounds him. Almost like they're a real...

Even in his mind he refuses to acknowledge the word.

He would like nothing more than to be there but what will happen in the coming year? Would she still want him there? Is she finally through with the past? She has been through too much, they all have, and the fear of hurting her….

The thought pushes him from his chair to pace the room. All he has wanted for her was a chance at a new life with a fresh start and is grateful to be a part of it. But the fear that overshadows all other feelings won't let him be. They have hurt one another, seem to have the power to hurt each other more than all others, and he can't bear the thought of going back to that time.

Pouring his third and final drink of the night, Raymond decides to do what he has great experience with.

He decides to run.

* * *

"What do you mean you're in Berlin?"

He can hear the shock in her voice but also something very close to anger. _Oh dear._ He had a feeling this might happen which is why he waited until there was an ocean between them before making the call.

"Just what I said. I'm in Berlin and will be here till after the new year, it seems. The trip came up suddenly and since the task force is slow at present I thought I'd stay to enjoy the lights and the streusel…."

He trails off and is met with silence on the other end and can't really blame her.

"Lizzy—"

"Does this have anything to do with the other night?"

It is her turn to wait through the silence as he carefully prepares his response and she can practically hear the wheels spinning in his brain. The bluntness of her question has caught him off-guard and the victory is sweet.

When he finally answers her, the bravado is gone. "I wasn't sure what your plans were or if there would be….guests coming to visit. This seemed the easiest solution."

"The easiest solution would have been to ask me," she says and he can tell she is positively seething now. "Raymond, next Saturday is the twenty-fourth and I expect you here for dinner. Five sharp and bring wine."

"Lizzy—"

But she has had enough of his nonsense and his evasion of her question and knows damn well he is using his famous avoidance tactic. Well, enough is enough.

"Agnes expects you here as well."

She hears the sigh all the way across an ocean and smiles.

"Now that is really not playing fair, but as it happens I think I can wrap up my business a little earlier than I first thought. Tell Agnes I'd be happy to accept her mother's gracious invitation and I'll see you both on Christmas Eve."

He doesn't wait for her response and ends the call but she doesn't mind. They both know who won the argument.

* * *

The week passes in a rush. Lizzy unpacks the apartment that is now looking more and more like a home to her. She fills the kitchen with food and thinks perhaps she'll even cook some of it. Her days are so busy there is barely time to think or analyze. No time for anything but to fall into an exhausted sleep because she doesn't want to think of anything just yet.

The day before he is coming home, she impulsively steps into a little shop on the way to pick up Agnes, thinking something new might be nice. The owner takes one look at her all black attire and without pause says, "Let me guess, some sort of government worker?"

Lizzy laughs and asks for any and all help. She needs something to throw him off balance, gauge his reaction and help her keep the advantage. Surely there is a dress out there somewhere that has the power to help her out.

Looking at herself in the mirror the final time before he is due to arrive, she thinks she has succeeded. The simple burgundy wrap dress is definitely a confidence booster. Well good, because she has a feeling she will need it.

She hears the doorbell and silently curses herself for telling the doorman ahead of time to let him up. She could have used the extra few minutes to collect herself because suddenly she is nervous and the fact that it feels very much like first-date-nerves does little to calm the fluttering in her stomach.

_What in the world?_

On the way to the door she pauses in the living room to take a final look. The tree is lit and there is a fire going. The table is set for dinner and she thinks this is very much a date, who is she kidding. And glancing at Agnes happy in her swing she laughs because of course she's a part of it. As she passes her daughter she whispers to the little girl to wish her luck.

* * *

She opens the door and the reaction is immediate. Except it's her reaction and not his that throws her. She can see a particular gray suit she likes very much under his heavy winter coat but with a few notable differences. There is no vest or tie and a few buttons of his shirt have been casually left undone. She barely registers how his mouth drops open at the sight of her figure hugging dress in the midst of wanting to strangle him for throwing her immediately off-guard.

He covers quickly with a _Lizzy, you look smashing_ as he enters the apartment depositing a few bags of the counter before turning his attention to Agnes. She sighs with exasperation at the return of the bravado but it doesn't last long. After a few minutes they are smiling over the baby and he carries Agnes through the apartment looking at the changes since he was last here, pausing to run a hand over the music box he restored. He hasn't seen it since the night he gave it to her and to know she has kept it after all that's happened…..

The bags are unpacked revealing several really nice bottles of wine, a selection of fine cheeses and her surprised, "Raymond, you brought me streusel."

"Well of course, I'm not a monster after all," he says with a smile.

It is all easy conversation as he deposits Agnes back in the swing in order to open the wine and they stay far away from the thoughts that have been running through their minds during the past week.

It almost feels as it had before their last evening together as they lose track of time when suddenly the alarm on the stove dings and Lizzy springs up to deal with dinner. She removes the dish from the oven and everything seems in order with nothing burned and just then she turns to see Raymond leaning against the counter.

"Elizabeth, did you cook for me?" he asks with nothing short of wonder on his face.

"Of course. I'm not a monster after all," but she says it quietly and turns as she feels the heat rise in her face, knowing at that moment he could read her like a book even as she has no idea what on earth he'd see there.

"I'm touched."

The words are a low rumble over her shoulder, and she doesn't turn as she forces the lightness back into her response.

"Well, this casserole got me through college and it is the limit of my culinary abilities."

Dinner is a success, the streusel a marvel and afterward Agnes lets them know it's her turn for dinner. Lizzy hands Raymond the bottle saying she'll clean up and it gives them a little time apart. They've been carefully watching each other while trying not to appear to obviously watch each other and both feel the change. There is an awareness between them now as if they're on the brink of a decision.

Lizzy comes to take the sleeping baby from him and again is struck by how natural it feels. Like it was always meant to be. This thought spurs her on and when she joins him on the couch a few minutes later she decides they've skirted the issue long enough.

"Raymond, why did you leave so suddenly for Berlin?" she asks with the hope that a surprise attack may give her the advantage.

When he opens his mouth to respond she immediately continues, "And don't tell me it was for business or German pastries. Is it because I mentioned us together with Agnes next Christmas?"

Before he can respond she adds, "And don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about because I know you do."

Several seconds go by as they watch each other. He's always had an amazing ability to see right through her but now she returns his look just as intently.

"Are you finished?" he finally asks.

"Probably not."

There is the hint of a smile as he watches her staring daggers at him but the fear still lingers. That she'll end up hurt and their tenuous relationship will be irrevocably broken.

"I think you've been through a great deal and you need some time to sort things out. Let's not complicate matters more than necessary."

She studies him for a moment somewhat surprised he really does know exactly what she's talking about even as she is still trying to understand it herself. Yes, he's thought of this, too. The idea of them as something more than what they've been.

"I think you've been through a lot, too," is her quiet response.

"Lizzy, what is it you want?" he asks with a resigned sigh.

He's looking at her so earnestly, but they always seem to arrive at this place. What _she_ wants, but just once she needs to know what _he_ wants.

"I want you to be here and not pull away from me. I want you to ask me to dinner sometimes, just the two of us. I want you here in the spring to take Agnes to the park with me. I want you to hold my hand not out of comfort but because you want to. I want….more."

There have been a few occasions she has rendered him speechless and she sees the muscle in his jaw working furiously. Normally she would retreat as has been her habit in the past but no more.

"Raymond what do _you_ want? Tell me."

He has never acknowledged it. Never spoken of it and when the thoughts came to the forefront he pushed them away, pushed her away. Yet here she is asking him the very thing he has denied for years.

"I want more, too," is his only possible answer. It is the truth and he finds that he needs her to know it.

And he does as she asked. Takes her hand because he wants to and they sit watching the fire for a while. They've traveled a long way to get to this point and for now it's enough. Well, almost enough.

"I also want you to kiss me this year."

She glances over just in time to see him swallow and he's speechless again.

With the lights of the tree dancing around the room she thinks of that night on the ship. When he looked at the stars and she looked at him and the thought was there. She finally understands. He told her of his feelings when he looks at her but then kept his gaze averted long after the words were spoken. He felt it just as she did but the timing of it and the complications it would have brought made them ignore it.

And they kept on ignoring it until she almost destroyed her life.

"This has been the worst and best year of my life. You are part of the best so you have seven days to make it even better," she says letting go of his hand and giving his leg a reassuring pat before rising to carry their empty wine glasses to the kitchen.

She has just placed them on the counter when she feels a hand on her upper arm, gently but firmly turn her around and before she can offer anything but a surprised squeak, he is kissing her and she is kissing him back. There is nothing tentative about it and she fleetingly realizes that he most definitely has given this considerable thought and as she responds he's knows the same.

"Damn," she whispers when they finally come up for air.

"Yeah," is his out of breath agreement.

"You really aren't playing fair, you know."

"Lizzy, what on earth-"

"I mean first there is this new look," she says indicating the absent tie and open shirt with a wave of her hand before continuing, "then that kiss. What's a girl to do?"

He smiles, finally understanding she is teasing him.

"For your information, the tie was choking me as I've been struggling to simply breathe normally which you make very difficult sometimes."

She reaches up to touch his cheek before hugging him close with her head on his chest. As his arms come around her he hears her say, "Raymond, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

* * *

He spends the night….on the couch, and in the morning Lizzy comes out to the living room to find him sitting with his feet propped on the coffee table with Agnes on his chest.

They are fast asleep and she quietly sits next to them and wonders if she'll tell him she loves him in this year or the next. Will he tell her first perhaps? There is plenty of time now and she smiles thinking of other firsts to come.

She places her hand on his that rests on her daughter's back as her mind traces their journey to this perfect moment.

"Raymond."

The whisper makes it through and he responds with a soft _hmmm_ as he reaches out to wrap an arm around her, drawing her to his side.

"Do you remember when you told me I deserve the best in life, that one day it would come?"

He's awake now, recalling that long ago conversation when there was nothing but brokenness in her life. How he had wanted to take her in his arms that night as he had when he gave her the music box, but her shattered look and the guilt overwhelming him made the few steps to her side an uncrossable chasm. He could only offer her the words, a hope and a promise of better days.

"I remember."

"It's finally here," she whispers.

He doesn't trust his voice to reply, but the hand rubbing her arm as he pulls her even closer to him is all the answer she needs.


End file.
